A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way To My Bagel

It was a beautiful Saturday morning and of course I was up early because my one wonderful dog likes to wake me up at 5:30am. I sat down with my laptop and a fresh cup of coffee to check out Facebook to see what was brewing. After about a half an hour I started to get hungry. I thought cereal, No! Waffles, No! French Toast, who the hell wants to go through all of that. Finally, I settled on a bagel. As I searched in our packed freezer, I finally came upon one bagel. It was a whole wheat bagel sprinkled with oats on top. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME! No everything, no blueberry, no sesame? I thought OK, my wife had not shopped yet and this will be what I must settle for. We usually have a bag of bagels sliced and ready to go but as you all know, the day before grocery shopping yields slim pickins' sometimes. As I dropped the bagel into the toaster, I convinced myself that this one was not the demon of all bagels and it was going to be good for me since it was made with whole wheat flower. As I waited in hunger for the pop of the toaster, little did I know what was on the horizon. I sat down and sifted through Facebook waiting for what seemed to be an eternity for that sound. It didn't come! I got up and looked only to notice it had not been toasted. The toaster was not plugged in. You gotta be kidding me! I plugged it in and dropped down the bagel and hovered over just to make sure the heating filaments lit up. Yes, we are on the way. About 3 minutes later, wham they popped up and I thought they were ready to go. Now, I failed to realize that our toaster is about 6 years old and it gets a lot of use so the bagel was only half toasted. I then remembered that you have to flip them over and resend them for another toasting. Of course now I am on pins and needles because I don't want it to get burnt. I went back to Facebook only to smell smoke about 2 minutes later. It can't be? I just dropped it back down. I bolted for the toaster and hit the kill switch. My breakfast popped up and to my delight it was not too bad. I gently grabbed one side at a time and hurried them over to my plate in fear of burning my fingers. Now I was ready for the second process in preparing my breakfast.

People like many different toppings on their bagels. Some like cream cheese, some like jams or jellies, I like butter and lots of it. I want those nooks and crannies of the bagel pooling with butter. I reached up into the cabinet, grabbed the butter dish and the horror set in. There is only a sliver of butter left on the tray. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME! This slim amount will only cover about one third of the surface of a half. As the life drained out of my body I realized that I would have to now work with a cold stick of butter on a bread product. There is nothing worse than trying to spread hard butter on bread or a bagel. I went into the fridge to procure a stick of heaven and yes, there it was. I had to quickly grab the butter and get it onto the bagel before it cooled down. Of course, the box of butter had not been opened yet which meant another 30 seconds of cooling time. I grabbed the opening tab and pulled. The tab had ripped off without opening the box! NO! NO! In a panic I dug my fingers into the box resulting in a torn, bleeding cuticle. This was not going to stop me from my task at hand. I ripped the box open, grabbed the paper flap on a stick and pulled. NO! NO! The paper ripped! I knew now that I would have to sacrifice my bleeding finger to get this butter out. I reached in even deeper and finally got out that bar of delicious gold. I ran it over to the counter, peeled back the paper but had no knife. I zipped over to the drawer, grabbed out a knife and started to slice into the stick. I thought by now my bagel was starting to get cold and of course I was correct. I quickly placed the slabs I had cut off on the bagel, spread it out and hoped it would melt. Thank goodness it did. Now at this point, I was feeling pretty good about my chance of chomping into this breakfast delight. I sat down next to my laptop only to realize that I had no coffee. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME! I can't eat this bagel without some coffee. I got up from my chair, poured a cup, put in the sugar and bolted back to the table. Now things were in order. I sat back, took a deep breath and got ready to chomp down.

This was it, what I had worked so hard for is now going to pay off. Just as I got the bagel to my mouth, I hear bells ring. It can't be. No, it can't be. This is not fair, it's not fair! The dog is ringing the bells to go outside. My mind started swimming with a dilemma. Do I sit here and eat my bagel or do I go to let the dogs out? What do I do. Back and forth I pondered. Finally I heard the bells again which usually means he really has to go and bad. I set down the bagel, opened the door to see all three dogs bum rush me to get outside. OK, they are out and I can now eat my bagel. As I raised the bagel to my mouth, I look over to the back door only to see two of the three dogs wanting to come in. As the life drained out of my body again, I set my tasty morning treat down, walked over to the door and let the dogs in. Of course, the third was still out in the yard looking for a place to drop a deuce. Just let me tell you, in the compound that is my and my sister-in-laws back yards, there is plenty of room for the dogs to do their business. On this morning, our male boxer Rockne had to find just the right spot. Not just any area will do. After about 45 long seconds, he had found that glorious spot and was back on the porch ready to come in. At this point you all must be thinking that now is the time for the bagel eating. NO, all three dogs must now get a treat for going outside. I got them a biscuit and was back to the table in zero seconds flat.

After all of this, it was now time. The toaster, the butter and the dogs have kept me away from bagel nirvana long enough. I sat down, grasped my bagel carefully with two hands and moved it toward my mouth. This was it. I slowly bit down on what I had waited so long for and man, it was good. I ripped off a piece with my teeth and immediately began to chew. Oh it was good. I set the once bitten piece back on my plate and picked up my coffee to take a sip. As I reached over, I thought nothing gets better than this. As I brought the cup to my lips, I noticed something. The horror, the horror! As I had bitten into the bagel, butter had oozed out all over my shirt. I sipped the java, set it down, picked up the bagel and took another huge bite. Nothing was going to stop me now, not even a huge stain of butter on my shirt!