ELECTION SPECIAL - MY CANDIDTAES FOR LUZERNE COUNTY COUNCIL

Election day is right around the corner and this year we will be voting for the 11 members of the Luzerne County Council. This Council was instituted to replace the 3 Commissioner system that the voters of Luzerne County voted out last year. If you are not aware, there are a slew of people who have thrown their hats into the ring for one of these 11 positions. The field for these 11 spots is bigger than the field for the Kentucky Derby. I am not going to list any of them here because I have come up with my personal 11 County Council members plus the County Manager who will oversee this mess. So without further adieu, here are the 11 people who really belong on the Luzerne County Council.


11. Homer Simpson - This poor bastard is such a block head that he would fit right in. Homer does everything wrong, but in the end everything is always good.



10. Lou Costello - When confronted in a Luzerne County Council meeting he can always ask, "Who's on first" which will totally confuse everyone. With this one line he can make all well.




9. The Wizard Tim - If you love the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail you must love the Wizard Tim. He is a wizard of great power and wisdom....NOT! He guides King Arthur and his Knights to the cave of death where the hideous monster resides. Wizard Tim can help to guide the Council as they approach the Budget Of Death.




8. Curly Howard - Can you imagine all hell breaking loose at a Luzerne County Council meeting and Curly jumps up, throws himself on the floor and spins around in true Curly fashion. I can. Again, this would deflect the audience from the true issues.


7. Peter Griffin - Like Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin is one of the poor bastards that always comes through in the end. He has poor judgement, never follows through and has no regard for anyone but himself. He is PERFECT!





6. Bubbles - No Bubbles is not a stripper. Bubbles is the down syndrome character in the Canadian Comedy Trailer Park Boys. His friends, who are not challenged in any way except with stupidity are always concocting crazy plans to make cash. Of course, Bubbles is the only level headed one of the group. It reminds me of Luzerne County Government. They never listen to Bubbles and of course often find themselves in trouble.

5. Lewis Black - He is the perfect fit for our new Council. He can often go into one of his vulgarity laced tirades when things don't make sense. I would think that this would be at just about every meeting. If you have not watched Lewis Black, do so NOW!


4. Quagmire - Every Council needs a letch and that's our man Quagmire. Quagmire can sway the ladies of the audience to quickly go against anything the Council proposes. However, he will get them in bed.






3. Donald Trump - A County Council would be nothing without the Donald. He would be there just to make sure everyone has a birth certificate. Plus, he can bankrupt the county even more and then bring it back to life.


2. Boomhauer - This mental midget from King Of The Hill is perfect for the Council. He talks in a way which no one knows what he is saying except a select few. He is perfect. He can talk and no one will know what the hell he is saying.




1. Pat Paulson - For those of you familiar with Pat Paulsen, you're apt to remember his unsuccessful bid for the Presidency in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1988, 1992, and 1996! Yes, Pat Paulsen tried repeatedly as a member of the STAG Party -- Self Talking American Government Party -- for the opportunity to represent this country. Paulson allegedly died 1997. He is perfect for the job. We can vote in a dead man like they did with Sheriff Jagodinski.


County Manager - There is only one person for this job and it is Moe Howard. Moe can certainly keep the 2 other Stooges in line so why not the 11 on the Council. Somebody gets out of line they get a whack to the kisser. They speak out of turn and it's the eye gouge. The perfect man to be in charge.

There you have it. My 11 County Council winners and their leader, The County Manager. Now on a serious not, make sure you go out and vote. The welfare of our wallets and pocketbooks depends on your vote.