WTF No 10 Commandments Tonight?

I am furious.  I am so angry the top of my skull just blew off and drilled a hole in the ceiling.  I am beside myself with a fury unknown to mankind itself.  Here it is, Easter night and the 10 Commandments and Ben Hur are not on TV.  What!  What!  ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!  Easter is now incomplete thanks to the lousy networks.  I can't believe neither of these Easter classics are being shown anywhere on the 300 plus channels that I have on Direct TV.  It is blasphemy at it's highest level.  The only Easter show that they are showing is that loser Charlie Brown and his lame Easter show.  How on gods green earth can these TV networks not show either of these shows.  I wait every year to sit down after a delicious meal and a few glasses of wine top watch the 10 Commandants.  It's not Easter unless Charlton Heston is on the boob tube in a biblical role of some sort.  What the hell is going on here?  Why?  Why are neither of these movies on?  I just don't get it?  These are the Easter movies everyone waits for and WHAM, we are bent over and screwed.  This is a travesty.  It's a crime against humanity.  It's against all of the rules.  Why?  Why have the TV stations forsaken us in such a way.       

Six Reasons Why The Easter Bunny is Terrifying

I have never been a big fan of the Easter Bunny.  I remember standing in line at The Boston Store, now Boscov's as kid after kid went screaming into the night after a minute or two on this long eared rat's lap.  As you stood in line with your parents your mind starting racing with thoughts of huge furry horror as you waited for your turn.  As you got closer to the giant rabbit your hold on your mothers hand got tighter and tighter as sheer terror overwhelmed every fiber of your little body.  You knew deep down that if you wanted all of that candy you HAD to sit on this large lepus' lap.  Your mind raced on ways to escape this varmints deadly grasp while still collecting the sugary booty that would be waiting there on Easter morning.  Reason after terrifying reason ripped through your brain as to why this enormous rodent was so scary.  In fact, I remember my reasons and here they are.

 

6.  Huge:  This was a huge rabbit.  Just the size of this thing was scary enough.  The sight of an enormous rabbit wearing a brightly colored outfit would scare even the bravest child.  The kid below is screaming in terror!



5.  Ears:  We all know that rabbits have long ears, but the Easter Bunny always had disproportionated hearing devices.  In fact there were times when his ears would be bent down like they were pointing your way.  In your mind you thought his ears were saying, "I'm coming for you on Easter Eve".


The Ears Are Pointing At You!

4.  Teeth:  The Easter Bunny always had big teeth.  All I can think of is "The better to eat you my dear".  With one bite he could have your guts all over the store.  The kid below does not suspect what may happen here.

Huge Teeth

3.  Aggressive:  This over sized vermin was always very aggressive when it came to getting small children on his lap.  He would reach over with his hairy paws to grab a hold of you.  When he got hold of you what was he going to do?  That thought was frightening. 

Known To Grab Children

2.  Hairy:  This super sized rodent was always way to furry.  In some cases the hair was dirty and matted like a varmint with rabies.  I have seen cases when this hair was pink in color which always reminded my of dried blood from his victims.

Way Too Hairy

1.  Those Eyes:  No matter what costume the bunny was in, his eyes were terrifying.  When he looked at you he was looking straight into your soul.  He was extracting all of those bad things that you did and calculating how much candy you would get.       

Look At Those Eyes

Even as a kid I knew early on that this over sized rodent was a fake, a shame, a forgery.  Hell, back in the day when you sat on this furry varmints lap you could see right into the eyes of the costume.  Instead of looking into the eyes of an egg toting holiday rabbit and seeing a fairy tale creature you saw an actual person.  When you questioned your parents with this obvious fact they always answered, "The real Easter Bunny can't be everywhere all at once, so this must be one of his helpers".  What a farce!  As you got a little bit older, common sense actually would kick in and your ever maturing brain finally came up with the correct conclusion.  If the Easter Bunny can't be everywhere then how the hell does he get all of that candy delivered in one night?  Yep, this can only be a big scary injustice for children all over the world.

Recycling Hell - The War is Over!

The War is over!  The War is over!  After several weeks in recycling hell and a few battles with the enemy, I can say that the War is Over!  On Wednesday, I decided to launch an all out assault on the home base of the Forty Fort DPW.  It was a risky move, but I felt that it had to be done.  As I circled around to enter the FFDPW fortress, I thought here we go.  What would the end result be?  Would I come out victorious or would I be sent packing with my tail between my legs.  I wondered if I would remain in recycling hell or would all of the cans and bottles stacking up around me be gone for good.  As I pulled into their stronghold, it was clear that there would be no resistance on the outside.  I would have to actually enter their lair alone, a one man mission against the recycling machine.  As I walked toward the door I wondered why it seemed deserted?  No one to impede my progress toward my final goal, a second recycling bin.  As I reached for the door knob I thought, it must be locked.  With my luck there is no one in there.  I turned the knob and to my dismay, the door opened.  Still no resistance from the enemy.  As I slowly entered, it was evident that no one was around.  The DPW fortress was abandoned, open for the pillaging.  It couldn't be, this was too easy.  I took a few steps inside and then stopped to recon the building.  YES, I see the recycling bins.  Now was my chance to get what I needed and get out of there unseen.  As I moved toward the bins, I caught a figure out of the corner of my eye.  It was the enemy themselves.  As I snapped my head to the left, I heard him say, "Can I help you"?  I was caught.  For sure it would be the dungeon or the rack for me.  I turned and said, "Why yes, I need a recycling bin".  I told him that some moron, probably my neighbor stole my bin and I needed another one.  As he paused to think for a second my mind raced with ideas on what I should do.  Should I attack, go right for the throat or play it cool until I had a better opening.  Before I could decide he said, "Sure let me get you one".  I was stunned!  I could not believe my failing ears.  He would get me one, a quick and sudden surrender.  As he climbed the steps to get a brand new bin, I thought victory is mine!  The battle is over.  I waited at the bottom of the steps and down he came with a shiny new recycling bin.  It was like a booty of gold being handed over by the enemy after a long fought battle.  Just as he handed it over he said, "Make sure you put your address on this so no one takes it".  If they do, we will grab it and return it to where it belongs.  WOW, victory and total compliance.  I grabbed my loot, thanked him and quickly headed out the door.  As I walked toward my car, I raised the bin into the air like Lord Stanley's Cup and kissed it in victory.  The recycling war was over and to the victor comes the spoils.  I have been released from recycling hell and am now in co mingle heaven.       

Recycling Hell - The War Continues

Last night I put a peace offering out on the curb with my official recycling bin as well as my make shift bin.  My offering asked my enemy, the Forty Fort DPW to please empty my home made bin or just take the whole thing.  The bin is made of recyclable plastic and could be thrown right into the truck.  Of course I got up this morning with a terrible chest cold and a fever but still bolted to the window to see if they accepted my offering.  Much to my dismay, my home made bin with holes drilled in the bottom was still sitting there filled to the top.  I barked out, "You sons of bitches, bastards"!  Why?  Why will they not empty this bin or take the whole damn thing?  As I sit here venting, my mind is now working on plan C, to get myself out of recycling hell.  There are a few things running through my skull like just dump it in the street, take it in the car and dump it at the borough garage or bring in the big guns.  I fear the first two options my land me in the clink or at least with a hefty littering fine.  I may send my son down to the borough garage to actually pick up a second bin today.  My guess is they either won't be there or they won't give him one.  If that fails, I think it will be time to release the kraken!  Bring in a top notch negotiator who can get through to these guys.  I called Henry Kissinger and Jimmy Carter, but they were busy.  I will go to my final option, the President of Forty Fort Council.  We will see what happens.  The war is heating up and I don't plan on surrendering anytime soon.      

Cry Havoc and Release The Dogs of War

The Special Blue Bin

I am at war!  I have circled the wagons, hid the women and children and am arming the troops.  I know this will be a long, hard fought battle with a cunning enemy who wields an arsenal of powerful weapons.  My enemy has large vehicles, more manpower and a local government behind them.  They have resources that I do not have.  They are better equipped and can hold out for eternity if need be.  Who is this enemy?  It is the Forty Fort D.P.W.  This war started several weeks ago when some low life thief stole one of my recycling bins.  You see, my household produces a boat load of plastic recycling so I need two bins.  These are small bins, not the nice garbage can style bins that many towns use.  They are special blue bins which were distributed by Forty Fort Borough.  What makes them so special?  They have holes in the bottom so water and other liquids drain out.  The D.P.W. guys like this because they don't get showered in swill when they empty them in their recycling truck.  That I can understand!  I would not want to get bathed in a lather of water, stale coke and beer.  However, I am now down to one bin and do not have the time to go get another one.  Hell, I work Monday through Friday and that is when I would have to go get one.  If they were open on Saturday this war would never have started.  I would have the two bins that I needed and it would be game over, drive home safely.

That however is not the case.  Over the first few weeks of this war, I tried to make things happen with only one bin.  I quickly realized that this battle would be lost.  My recyclables quickly accumulated to an unsafe level.  I was at DEFCON 2.  What should I do?  My answer was to find a bin around the same size and put it out to the curb.  On the next recycling day, the enemy attacked, emptied my official blue bin and then took my entire back up bin and its contents.  WHAT! WHAT!  ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!  They took the entire bin and now I am back down to one!  Immediately plan B went into effect and I found another bin to put recyclables in.  The day came and I put both bins out, this time with a note that instructed them to not take the bin.  They not only did not take the bin, they didn't empty it either.  Now I am at DEFCON 3 with recyclables backing up everywhere.  What should I do now?  I sat back and thought for a minute and realized that there were no holes in the bottom of the bin.  I went to my workshop, got a drill and put holes in the bottom of the bin.  They would certainly take it now.

Wrong-O beaver breath!  The next week came and I put both my bins out.  This time with a note stating that I drilled holes in the bottom and would they empty it this time.  My hopes were high.  When I got home from work, low and behold they DID NOT empty the bin.  I was in a panic.  It was DEFCON 4 and I knew it was time to stage an attack of my own.  I cursed and swore those bastards and right then and there declared war on these recycling terrorists.  Next week is recycling week and I have a plan up my sleeve that will blow them out of the water.  I can't tell you what it is, but I will fill you in on the result of this battle.  The bottom line here is that there is no reason for these guys to not empty my bin.  They won't do it simply because it is not an "Official" recycling bin and that is just plain stupid.